celebrated a happy occasion last saturday morning. cesar and jeshe tied the knot, and of course, along with it, my own selfish realization that i nearly had my own wedding last year. i rarely get invited/attend to these things, partially because it's not a usual event that takes place often. people around me aren't used to it either. the last one i went to was ace's, and before that, my brother's. when i do get that rare chance to come to a wedding, though, that nagging question always finds its way to my curious little noggin. and as always, i never have any answer.

when will mine be?

i guess the better question is, who's going to be the unlucky woman?

anyway.

so sorry about the poor quality though. it's not that the camera sucks, but i could've used some professional advice here.


 

man. time flies, literally. it's the first day of the last month for 2008. a lot of things have taken place this year and it has been a nerve-wracking time for me, to say the least. twelve months ago, i wouldn't have imagined myself where i am now. not in a million years. everything - from the good to the downright bad - has made a positive impact on me. i've learned a lot and grown up a lot and if i were to look back at this year (surely you can expect a retrospective from me soon, right before the year ends), even if given the chance, i wouldn't change a single thing about anything that's happened.

i was hoping to end the year well. november gave me a fantastic start only to end it with a couple of losses right before the month finished. everything had felt really great until the last week. sometimes, you never really anticipate these things. when good things come along, most of the time it comes as a pleasant surprise. same with the not-so-good things. and you never really know when it ends. that's exactly why you can't get caught up in the moment. you just have to enjoy it. i must admit, though, something did feel a little bit off. i don't know. things crashed out last week, and this past weekend ended on a rather sour note.

i do feel sad about it, but i have to keep moving forward. there isn't really much of a choice but to let it go. who knows who i might end up with. for now it's not the person i want to be with. there's a lot issues going on with her in her life right now and i can't be a part of that. i will always be there whenever zel needs me, but i can't keep waiting for something that no one's sure will even come around.

i feel very optimistic about the future. i'll just relax a bit and let things hang loose this december. for now, i'm happy with what i have. can't complain about what isn't there. we all have to stay hopeful. all these crazy things taking place are definitely short-term. come to think of it, if you look at the bigger picture, nothing's really changed. my plans remain intact, and of course, my friends and family aren't too far behind. what's to feel so down about? 

[	Current Mood	|	f*cked up	]
[	Current Music	|	it ends tonight - all-american rejects	]

visit http://betongski.livejournal.com and read on about me thinking out loud about my heart problems.

change of plans. regroup. start over. focus. trust no one. reconnect.

these are the hard lessons i will need to relearn yet again. at least i've got a long weekend to think things over and try to put everything into perspective. maybe i did a couple of things that i shouldn't have, but then again i'm never one to regret anything. everything happens for a reason. maybe i just need to start focusing on one thing and that's getting that wretched team lead post. maybe i'm just better off being single for a while.

this all seems like a horrible dream, a bad joke, and an unbelievably twisted storyline all rolled into one. and the funny part? i'm cast as the lead character.

all of this comes at a time when team ceasar has to break up because of an impending move to alabang. on one hand, it doesn't make any sense. everything's happened so fast in a span of less than seven days. because of family, ceasar had to make a hasty yet personal decision. on the other hand, change really was inevitable anyway knowing that humana cubao is currently going through a transitional phase under new boss marlee's helm. i am an advocate of change, and i welcome this as i would any other. i think i'd agree more to marlee's management decisions than mai. some would disagree, but i could care any less about what anyone else thinks these days. we will see which direction the account will take with marlee's supervision. i am optimistic and she has my full support.

all of this comes at a time when i've temporarily lost connection with my friends. it was my choice because i felt had to focus and devote some time for myself.

do i always have to choose between love and career every time the opportunity comes up? i honestly hope i don't ever have to answer that question. i hope that this is just some dumb coincidence. i've been through much worse. this won't faze or unnerve me. this can't hurt me.
 

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Current Mood

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pissed off

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this is the perfect, classic example of why you can't trust anybody at work.

consider it a hard lesson learned. i would have thought it to be just fine except that this whole situation is at someone else's expense. i would have been able to handle everything on my own if there wasn't anyone geting involved in this bullshit nonsense.

up to now it still makes me sick to my stomach how you can give so much trust and friendship to some people who don't even deserve it. well, i'm not hard to understand. and i'd like to believe that most of the time, i'm pretty easy to get along with. but piss me off and get on my bad side? ah, well, then you're asking for it. so much for being the nice guy.

needless to say, i think the lie has pretty much uncovered itself. someone has been selling lies on me. stupid and insanely false rumors. someone i trusted and offered my friendship has probably a whole bunch of screws loose up in her dense head, and all the while i thought that everything i did was just an innocent, friendly gesture, it turns out that all those gestures were being interpreted into anything but friendly. and it DISGUSTS ME.

the truth is, i don't really know how to explain all this. it hurts because then i go back to putting on a shell and in the process, not being able to become myself. it's like everything is guarded. i wouldn't care, actually, if only that would guarantee MY GODDAMN PRIVACY. i have my rights to it, and everything i hold dear and personal to me, i would not hesitate to harm anyone who dared take it from me.

NOTHING PERSONAL, BUT YOU GUYS REALLY ARE THE SCUM OF HUMANA. YOU AND YOUR GROUP ARE THE PERFECT AND MOST LOGICAL REASONS WHY OUR ACCOUNT IS FULL OF WASTED SPACE.

FUCK OFF.

sorry i haven't been posting much lately. i've had my hands full with work the past week or so and yet again, i've got about a million things running around in my little head. it's actually been the same since i last posted something, and all those thoughts that i wanted to put in writing just comes and goes.

being busy with work has not allowed me the luxury of time. but i'm not complaining. i reckon that i miss hanging out with my friends, but really, if we wanted to see each other, then they'd try to at least get in touch. over the past six years or so i've been the glue to F4, making sure we saw and checked each other from time to time. it's not that i'm sick of being that glue, it's just that i really don't have enough time to be the glue anymore. each of us have had to deal with personal issues, especially this past twelve months. 

aj's been doing well, despite having measles. my poor baby lost her puppy this week and her mother says she's been very sad and crying every night. i remember how it feels to lose your very first pet. knowing that aj's sad breaks my heart but i've been texting her to let her know that things will be okay and that nash is someplace better and that he's looking after her.

after a week since i announced my retirement from basketball, i played with the humana boys last friday. i played well, although i felt that there were some shots i missed that i could have easily made. it felt being good out there. there wasn't any pressure to do well, but as always i played with the same level of intensity that i've been known for. it was a good thing for me. we were almost complete. fritz, jay liza, and the two patricks missed out due to personal things they had to attend to. to be honest, i still don't know about "returning" for good. i'm not ruling out the possibility of retiring permanently, either.
 
i've already been able to adjust to my work load properly. doing claims and overtime for a combined ten to twelve hours a day is much better than being on the phones for eight anyday. now comes the hard part: there's a new posting that'll be announced anytime this week, definitely much earlier than what i had expected. i go home drained and tired, yes, but i'm not stressed in any way. aside from that, i'm proud to be part of a great group. we've all been getting along very well. what surprises me these days is how wonderful the people are. and if i might add, while i get along well with lorense (our manager) outside of work, and while i don't necessarily agree with most of the team leads' work ethic, he's been doing an awesome job lately. i feel sorry that he has to put up with some reps who aren't doing their jobs right. my concern is, now that i'm loving the atmosphere of things, if i apply for the post and get promoted, will that be in my best interests? will i be willing to go through another change? will i be willing to lose the momentum that we have? our group is something special, always laughing about and talking about everything. it makes our jobs that much easier. we help each other a lot too. they give me a reason not to mess around because seeing the quality of their work makes me want to push myself harder even more.

i was initially worried about not being able to fit in lorense's style right away. i admit, i'm still having trouble feeling comfortable about my new role because when i left billy's team, i was the top man when he wasn't around. these days, jonee does all the apprentice bits, and i might pop in to help out here and there, but i don't want jonee to think that i'm being desperate and invading his "territory". in terms of visibility, i haven't done much since joining claims rework but then again i do the little things in my own ways that some of the other managers see.

at first i was worried. i would have rather gone to cesar's team knowing that i get along really well with the people there. but looking back now, i think it was a far better choice for me being here, both personally and career-wise. besides, with all the teasing i get from the girls every time i come by and see zel, i'd be too self-consious and distracted to do my work properly. plus, both being in the same place but not seeing her all the time everyday kind of excites me and still gives me the sense of somehow missing her and yearning to see her.

her.

i'm trying my darnest to pinpoint how i actually came to this. i figure, it must be her eyes. must be. it's always been that. even before. it was never about the clothes, the hair, not even the legs. not anywhere close. her eyes are the most beautiful pair i've ever seen. god, look at me. i feel like a damn schoolboy all over again. i'm embarassed, but you simply can't imagine what i'm feeling right now. i can write about this for days and it still won't describe what it feels like. i can literally melt staring into those. it's as if everytime i talk to her, i can hear myself saying, just keep talking, you don't have to look back at me. because when you do, it just takes me away.

she's done me in. that is it. i've gone stir-crazy.

somehow, i've realized, that basketball has become a lost art for me. my body isn't what it was three years ago, and i don't know what's become weaker, the flesh or the spirit. could be both. my will hasn't exactly been up to level. my expectations have dwindled since i was made aware of my limitations nowadays. my knee can pop out anytime and that's the end of it. so that being said, i want to walk away from the game i've loved all these years - in one piece. walk away while i still can, knowing that i can still play a great game or two. knowing that i can still show flashes of brilliance. my old self. it's hard, and the truth is, it breaks my heart writing about this. but i know i have to.

along with this realization, i can't recall enjoying the game as much as i did when i was still in dell. an old friend, oliver manabat, stoked a fire inside me that kind of reignited the passion and the love i have for basketball. unknowingly, he challenged me to bring my best game every time we stepped on the court. he gives himself too little credit for this, but man, thank you for that. i learned the aspects and the fundamentals and the competetiveness from my brother, but oli paved a new life for me in terms of playing basketball at the highest level possible. for us, it wasn't just a game, it was meshed in our lives, intertwined. basketball was my life. and that is something special that i will always, always remember.

when i left dell, i was able to retain playing until i nearly won the championship for that amex squad.

these days, my fate is resigned to the fact that playing with the humana boys isn't for pride or passion anymore. it's become some strange weekly routine. like i said, my body's not the same anymore. i don't care if we lack the talent. but when i see the boys play with less fire, and i see them running around with half-hearted efforts, it pisses me off. i know some of them might criticize me for being too serious at times. this morning i was on a losing team, and i wasn't mad because we were losing, i was so angry because we weren't playing our best. needless to say, i know i'm not enjoying playing anymore when i know i'm only playing to keep myself healthy. i don't smile anymore. the intensity is there, yes, but my limitations, coupled with my diminishing stamina, has really pushed me to decide that today, my journey with basketball ends.

it really is ironic that my last game was against some college kids - a group that i felt i could kick ass if only i was playing alongside the boys from amex or maybe even with oli and the dell squad. i felt old. in the end i wasn't questioning my stamina anymore. it was my heart. it's only fitting that i pave the way for the new youth.